An actuary is a person who can tell you the number of people who will die each year; a Mafia actuary will tell you where and when.

There are 3 types of actuaries - those who can count and those who can’t.

A patient was undergoing a physical exam at her doctor’s office. The doctor said: "I have some very grave news for you. You have only six months to live." The patient asked "Doctor, what should I do?", to which he replied "Marry an actuary". "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No", said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Question: What do you call an actuary who is talking to someone? Answer: Popular.

What is the difference between God and an actuary? - God doesn’t think He’s an actuary.

An actuary is someone who, if you are drowning in a pond 20 metres offshore, will throw you a 11-metre rope and point out that he’s meeting you MORE than halfway.

Ask an actuary "what is 2 + 2?" Response: "What do you want it to be?"

A lawyer, an accountant and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover. The lawyer says a lover because it’s legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover. The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse. The actuary says it’s better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you’re with the other, and then go into the office to do some work.

Definition of a computer - an actuary with a heart.

Question: Why did the metalhead (i.e. someone who listens to heavy metal music) want to become an actuary? Answer: He wanted to get paid to predict death and destruction.

A life actuary designed a new policy providing "Senility Insurance". He expected low claims because "if you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not senile."

Old actuaries never die - they just get broken down by age and sex.

Actuaries do it until death or disability, whichever comes first.

Actuaries probably do it.

Actuaries do it with varying rates of interest.

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Answer: Invite an accountant.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? Answer: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What is the difference between an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary? An introverted actuary stares at his feet during a conversation. An extroverted actuary stares at your feet during a conversation.

An actuary, 2 accountants and a hippie were flying in a four-seater plane when the actuary calculated that it was highly probable that the plane would run out of fuel and crash if they did not parachute to safety soon. The accountants found the parachutes and after several minutes of calculations came back together to announce that there were only three parachutes but four people. One of the accountants sarcastically looked at the actuary and said: You actuaries are supposed to be so smart – why don’t you figure out how 3 can equal 4?" The actuary replied seriously "The proof would be a waste of time; the most logical way to decide this is to have the person with the smallest remaining life expectancy stay on the plane". The actuary did the calculations and decided that the 55-year old smoking hippie was the one who had to stay. With this decided, the actuary promptly grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The accountants looked at the hippie with a great deal of guilt since they did not comprehend the calculations or the logic behind the decision. The hippie looked at them and said, "Man, that really sucks! I wish I could have gotten my pot out of my backpack before that actuary jumped out with it!"